HITZ

LIVE REVIEW: LADIES & GENTLEMEN @ MUM 13.06.08

2008-06-18T01:41:00.000-07:00

Even before their trollop-of-a-set began, I noticed something that immediately set alarm bells ringing with this Campbelltown gem-of-a-band named Ladies & Gentlemen. They entered the non-arena sized stables of MUM , at World Bar, lugging stacks of amps and speakers and drums and guitars and keyboard stands, the WHOLE LOT of it brand spanking new, never been played, not a scratch, not a hint of rotten gaffer-tape, not a stain of whiskey infused vomit, not a sex-mark from a bum cheek. And this gear was by no means cheap; a good twenty thousand dollars had been spent on this façade of professionalism in very recent times. The bass stack was bigger than my bachelor pad. The guitarist had a wireless receiver so that he could roam the 5 by 3 metre stage in an unrestricted fashion. It was indeed a sign of things to come, a tactic of frauds, a recipe for disaster.

The set kicked off, and right from the get-go their rock moves matched the illustriousness of their shiny shiny setup. It was a forced and blatant stage-presence, all invented by someone else and passed onto these chaps in their own wet dreams. No decency or self-respect or justification, just the moves, the synchronised vests and haircuts, the androgyny, and those moves baby, all to the most unmoving of noises.

And as for those noises… well needless to say they couldn’t play their emo-electro material for shit and it all sounded like a fatal shark attack.

What a fucking disaster of an ensemble. What a disgusting display of shamelessness. These guys are the whores of the Sydney music scene – whores with particularly loose morals and cavities. Were they really trying to fool us punters? Were they trying to make us “believe” that they are a massive band, self-declared “worthy” of millions of screaming fans? Those successful bands, the ones Ladies & Gentlemen adore and mimic and shame, did not have they’re heads so far up they’re own asses when they were playing bullshit music to a crowd of zero, I promise. Idolism is the result not the cause. No-one idolises you, Ladies & Gentlemen, so please come back down to earth and get some fucking self-respect. Your bold existence is a fucking paradox, and you’re going to fail because due to some inbred insanity you think you’ve already made it.

LIVE REVIEW: THE VIGNETTES @ COME TOGETHER FESTIVAL, 07.06.08

2008-06-18T01:37:00.000-07:00

Dear The Vignettes,

God here... I just thought I’d drop you a quick line to congratulate you on your radical sound, awesome stage-presence and all-round stirring performance at Come Together Festival last week.

I read in The Drum Media earlier that your greatest rock ‘n roll moment was when you were “rocking so hard” you fell off the stage at The Hopetoun. This is a funny story. When I showed it to my friend Andrew he thought it was so cool that he couldn’t speak, but also so funny that he soiled himself.

As you may or may not know, since I am indeed God, I invented everything in the whole world. Thus I can take the credit for every awesome 2-piece band that has ever existed. When I first saw a 2-piece band I thought, “Wow, even though they have no bottom end and sound like a dead unicorn’s unattached testicle, it is cool because they are rocking so hard”. I still feel the same way.

And even though the 2-piece-rocky thing has come and gone everywhere else in the world, it is just so great that Sydney still has a band like you. You rock so hard. Your songs are so well constructed and your chord choice is phenomenal. Also, your singing is amazing. Top notch. And the drumming! Well when I made the drummer from The Living End I thought I did well, but after seeing you kick some serious arse last week I know that I made something better in you. Never before have I seen such bad timing and an ability to fuck pretty much every fill attempted. Splendid.

Anyway, keep writing and singing, and hopefully by 2050 you’ll be alright. Unless I kill you, which I have the power to do at any point in time and make it look like an accident.

Kisses from me and everyone here in heaven,
God Almighty

STREETPRESS SNAP: WHO THE FUCK IS THIS GUY???

2008-06-05T00:18:00.000-07:00

What the fuck... seriously... Did anyone else see this 1/2 page advert in our fine streetpress, The Drum Media, last week? Those 1/2 page ads cost something like $500 or more. Have a look (click to enlarge). What I want to know is if this dropkick is actually serious…

"I have no songs written at the moment, but am really keen to write alot of outstanding material..." Isn't everybody you moron?

"Basic notation and ability to read music preferred." What like fucking Mozart? Are YOU a child prodigy? Is your bedroom drumming really that complicated? I BET you it isn’t.

"An ability to adapt to changes quickly." Because you’re goin' to be moving with the tide, aren’t ya buddy. Whatever's hot right now, that's what you’re gonna play, only a lot worse, and to a lot less people.

And THIS is my favourite: "My goal is to get signed to a major label and play music at an international level. We're going to target the US market straight up." And then: "I refuse to hire amateurs because they're a pain in the ass." Now unless this guy is fuckin' Bono, I would have to assume that this guy, actually named Will, is the BIGGEST FUCKING AMATEUR IN THIS ENTIRE DUMB CITY. Sure he's played in bands before, but I would guess they're biggest venue played was The Cat & Fiddle, or maybe The Metro (Transit Lounge, that is) on one of those detestable "developing artist" nights. That's not how you make a band, friend. You don't just enlist fellow gullible morons and then "target the US market straight up". What if you don't have the ability to "write outstanding material"? What if you have your face sliced off and eyes severed in a near fatal go-cart accident? What if someone stabs you in your high-hat-playing arm for being SUCH A DEADSHIT? And most importantly, what decent real-blooded musician wants to play in a band with an arrogant douche-bag hack who clearly has no friends, has never played in a band of any real notoriety, and who spends $500 on this severely flawed advert.

If young Will does manage to get a band together, HITZ would really love to come to the first show. Where will it be, The Enmore? Acer Arena? Can we get a media pass? Ya gotta get the reviewers on your side mate, so let us know...

VENUE REVIEW: OXFORD ARTS FACTORY

2008-06-04T23:35:00.000-07:00

Whoever thought that the song title by one of Australia’s finest, Men at Work, could be used to describe a Sydney venue so well. Yes, while we all live in a “Land Downunder”, the people who inhabit the OAF live in a land DOWNUNDER Oxford Street in a place DOWNUNDER a level of human decency set for a sick, mangy, half-dead dog that has AIDS and is strapped to a ticking time bomb with 2 seconds on the timer.

But still, where else would you go to see the best of Sydney “indie” “rock” “music”? Jesus, the Cassette Kids haven’t played there for 2 weeks. What the fuck? That’s how you lose patrons. I was gonna go there yesterday, but since I haven’t seen an over-dressed, bullshit music playing, friend of a Ksubi employee, coke snorting, music novice, Smiths/Blondie/Klaxons/Duran Duran cover band playing there for 11 days I ain’t going.

But still, I do like their accidental ability to pull in the occasional decent band. I’m sorry Trans Am. You were booked poorly. I’m sorry Raveonettes. People often mistake a decent dress sense with Sydney highbrow dance rock hurl rock.

That said, I cannot go past the fact the place has two bars! It is so good when you are “buzzing” out to the latest “hit” dance act and you can whip next door and sip down on a quiet shandy next door. It is so good to get away from it now and again. Wow. I was there like 2 weeks ago and I saw the guy from Wolfmother. It was awesome. We had the best chat. It was amazing. I wanked all night.

Anyway, great fun… just what Sydney needs. Hopefully I’ll Van Sheeeee you all there soon…

LIVE REVIEW: 123 AMAZING @ SPECTRUM 30.05.08

2008-06-03T23:03:00.000-07:00

It’s with a miniature hint of guilt that 123 Amazing are the first band to face our wrath. But then, this is the gig that inspired the creation of HITZ and all that shall follow. I am hereby numb inside and have little qualms.

“Flabbergasted” could be the word to describe my feelings as I left Spectrum after enduring such a mind-blowing display of the banal, untalented, relentless conglomerate that is 123 AMAZING. A four-piece band, three girls up front, a boy on drums, playing post-punk-electro-degenerate-disco… does it sound familiar? One would think that the squeals and squawks of local competitors Teenagers in Tokyo, Bright Red and others would have switched off the desire for their re-incarnation in the mind of anyone claiming to be a sane musician. But no, here it is again: 123 AMAZING.

The edge 123 Amazing claim over those aforementioned bands is that they have two singers. Funnily enough they both have exactly the same voice; that full throat, out of tune female yelp that not-so-gracefully slips around the very limited melodies. They employ the Veruca Salt inspired trick of sliding up to notes, and then sliding down at the end of phrases. But while Veruca Salt’s vocals suggest character, these youngsters’ insist incompetence. My face winced in a knee-jerk reaction whenever they would nervously lift their eyes (which were otherwise locked down on their fretboards) to sing a passage. The double-whammy occurred when they were both singing simultaneously either as call-and-response or in what I could only assume was an attempt at harmony – well it sounded like a flock of Dee Why seagulls trying to steal my hot chips.

I fought through this barrage of vocals to regrettably observe the rest of the band. The monotone guitars pluckity plucked on forgettable yet entire recognizable licks (think The Rapture, 6 years ago… who else?). The keyboard moaned with sounds and melodies that were so predictably fashionable it would make board members of Mambo cringe in embarrassment. And the drums - well I did kinda feel for the dude because the spectrum of music the songwriters were offering didn’t warrant much alternative to the ever faithful “gnnn-ssst-gnnn-sst”. That said his attempts to break out of this typical formation were laughable, especially on several occasions when the beats became so superfluously intricate that he lost time, did an air-swing and pulled a self-loathsome face. And then his crash cymbal fell off and rolled to the ground, marking the most enjoyable part of the set for this ol' reviewer.

To sum, I wrote new song for 123 Amazing, to be sung on one note, shouty and out of tune, to a back-drop of crappy “hurt-disco”:

Woooo. Yeah. WooooooOOOooooOOOoooooOOOooo.
Clap…clap...caaalap.
1...2...3...AMAZING (screamed)
We’re amazingly crap.

(Guitar solo: di di di dididi di di dididi)