LIVE REVIEW: THE VIGNETTES @ COME TOGETHER FESTIVAL, 07.06.08

Dear The Vignettes,

God here... I just thought I’d drop you a quick line to congratulate you on your radical sound, awesome stage-presence and all-round stirring performance at Come Together Festival last week.

I read in The Drum Media earlier that your greatest rock ‘n roll moment was when you were “rocking so hard” you fell off the stage at The Hopetoun. This is a funny story. When I showed it to my friend Andrew he thought it was so cool that he couldn’t speak, but also so funny that he soiled himself.

As you may or may not know, since I am indeed God, I invented everything in the whole world. Thus I can take the credit for every awesome 2-piece band that has ever existed. When I first saw a 2-piece band I thought, “Wow, even though they have no bottom end and sound like a dead unicorn’s unattached testicle, it is cool because they are rocking so hard”. I still feel the same way.

And even though the 2-piece-rocky thing has come and gone everywhere else in the world, it is just so great that Sydney still has a band like you. You rock so hard. Your songs are so well constructed and your chord choice is phenomenal. Also, your singing is amazing. Top notch. And the drumming! Well when I made the drummer from The Living End I thought I did well, but after seeing you kick some serious arse last week I know that I made something better in you. Never before have I seen such bad timing and an ability to fuck pretty much every fill attempted. Splendid.

Anyway, keep writing and singing, and hopefully by 2050 you’ll be alright. Unless I kill you, which I have the power to do at any point in time and make it look like an accident.

Kisses from me and everyone here in heaven,
God Almighty

STREETPRESS SNAP: WHO THE FUCK IS THIS GUY???

What the fuck... seriously... Did anyone else see this 1/2 page advert in our fine streetpress, The Drum Media, last week? Those 1/2 page ads cost something like $500 or more. Have a look (click to enlarge). What I want to know is if this dropkick is actually serious…

"I have no songs written at the moment, but am really keen to write alot of outstanding material..." Isn't everybody you moron?

"Basic notation and ability to read music preferred." What like fucking Mozart? Are YOU a child prodigy? Is your bedroom drumming really that complicated? I BET you it isn’t.

"An ability to adapt to changes quickly." Because you’re goin' to be moving with the tide, aren’t ya buddy. Whatever's hot right now, that's what you’re gonna play, only a lot worse, and to a lot less people.

And THIS is my favourite: "My goal is to get signed to a major label and play music at an international level. We're going to target the US market straight up." And then: "I refuse to hire amateurs because they're a pain in the ass." Now unless this guy is fuckin' Bono, I would have to assume that this guy, actually named Will, is the BIGGEST FUCKING AMATEUR IN THIS ENTIRE DUMB CITY. Sure he's played in bands before, but I would guess they're biggest venue played was The Cat & Fiddle, or maybe The Metro (Transit Lounge, that is) on one of those detestable "developing artist" nights. That's not how you make a band, friend. You don't just enlist fellow gullible morons and then "target the US market straight up". What if you don't have the ability to "write outstanding material"? What if you have your face sliced off and eyes severed in a near fatal go-cart accident? What if someone stabs you in your high-hat-playing arm for being SUCH A DEADSHIT? And most importantly, what decent real-blooded musician wants to play in a band with an arrogant douche-bag hack who clearly has no friends, has never played in a band of any real notoriety, and who spends $500 on this severely flawed advert.

If young Will does manage to get a band together, HITZ would really love to come to the first show. Where will it be, The Enmore? Acer Arena? Can we get a media pass? Ya gotta get the reviewers on your side mate, so let us know...